Trump caught red-handed and red-hearted
Amid controversy surrounding Hillary Clinton’s e-mails, one message of particular interest was recently discovered on republican candidate Donald Trump’s personal server. The Wake has obtained this document and provided it below for the sake of transparency.
Campaign is going great, save for the losers and haters trying to undermine me—DISGUSTING! These unprofessional media types are as corrupt and unfair as they are soft and pathetic. Telling lies about me, bald faced lies. I hate bald things, especially as someone with thick, luxurious, naturally-grown hair that was not produced by pouring asbestos in a cotton candy machine. I’ve always admired your hair, especially with the wind blowing around it when you ride your horse (not through it, I know you’d never let anything blow through you, kroshka. You’re hard and resilient like a Siberian potato). Makes me wish I was a horse—and not just because one trampled a Mexican groundskeeper at the Trump National Doral Miami. I think he was Cuban. Still probably a drug dealer; he handles the lawnmower bags of grass very naturally. Great guy though, he and his family loved me. You know how well I do with the Hispanics.
I miss your strong body. I miss your vodka breath. Not many know this, but I actually had Trump Vodka distilled to match the taste of your mouth in the morning. Can’t wait to be back in Moscow, hunting bears and prisoners you make dress like bears for being gay. You always have the most creative approach to puns. Love that! Just last week I told my son-in-law Jared Kushner—he runs that awful magazine The Observer (I’d rather observe it in the trash, LOL!)—I told him, “I figured out why Jews don’t eat pork. Cannibalism is the 613th commandment!” It was very funny, people loved it, Twitter ate it up, I sold a million hats. Anyway, just wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you. We’ll see what the future holds, after all, your initials are already VP…
P.S. Heard Bernie might be back on the Dem ticket, can you explain socialism to me again before my next speech?