The Wake

Crime rates, the spread of HIV/AIDS, and greenhouse-gas emission are falling at record rates this winter as a modest proposal reaches the masses and seems to be changing the world for the better.

These drastic changes in the state of the nation are amazing economists, government officials and postal workers around the country. People from every state, from every biome and every street corner, are uniting, giving up vice, and improving the world by embracing a new diet regime formulated by a doctor from Texas: The Backwater Diet.

“[The Backwater Diet] has united the country in a way I never imagined,” says Dr. Roundtree, its creator. “I saw scores of fatties seek help at my private practice,” he continued, joking a bit, “I saw more man-breasts and cottage-cheese thighs than I’d care to admit.” Roundtree says that after a careful study of possible causes, he determined that carbohydrates and fats were only indicators of a larger problem plaguing eaters: they just eat too much shit. Fattness, he explained, is some kind of negative reaction to foods our bodies desire, creating a never-ending cycle of consumption and guilt for an entire generation of eaters.

“Think, for example, of the 1950s,” Dr. Roundtree offers. “People of this time were eating meatloaf every night, they were eating hamburgers and french fries by the handful for lunch, they had milkshakes at nearly every meal, and they never gained weight. I’ve seen pictures and I saw the movie ‘Pleasantville,’ so I know.”

“My solution to this problem has been called radical,” Roundtree shrugs, “mostly by people who are thin, people who don’t have to worry about obesity in their lives. I’ve talked to those who oppose my diet: these people claim to ride bicycles to save the earth; they eat whole-wheat bread like it was just invented. They vote Democrat for chrissakes! But I believe that these people just don’t know the benefits my diet can produce.”

Dr. Roundtree’s 230-page, best-selling book, “The Backwater Diet,” outlines his simple, humble plan for dieters: eat babies. Initially shocking, yes, but accepted at an astounding rate. Their meat is tender and delicious, says Roundtree and his supporters, but its greatest power is its undeniable benefits to health. Flesh of children has been shown to reduce harmful cholesterol, decrease hardening of the arteries, prevent cancer, reduce susceptibility to osteoporosis, and cure erectile dysfunction. Despite a decision by the United Nations to outlaw infant consumption, the United States has chosen to withdraw from the verdict, citing the many obvious benefits to health and society.

Today, citizens from all over the nation are eating babies of all shapes and sizes, making cookbooks of baby recipes. There’s even a string of restaurants catering solely to this diet: The Baby Buffet, recently opened as an adjacent wing to the popular Old Country Buffet chain. When asked about the steep rise in teen pregnancy, Roundtree stated that pregnancy is just another means to make money these days, as babies of younger American mothers catch a higher price at market than the large crops of infants imported from South and Central America. An early worry about baby resources being swiftly depleted has lead to several acts of Congress creating so-called “Baby Republics.” The so-called “Republics” are countries the US has acquired strictly for the purpose of baby production and reaping. A rich economy has developed out of the international baby industry, prompting many third-world countries to follow suit. India’s crowded population, for example, is expected to reduce to one-third its size by 2015.

“This isn’t a fad diet,” Dr. Roundtree assures readers on his website, “because fad diets don’t solve national or global crises. And it’s only fitting that this great, civilized country will lead the way.”