The Wake

You know, celebrity perfume is a bit of a stretch. Shouldn’t it be called something along the lines of “My last album didn’t quite sell like hot cakes; I blame the internet, but let’s make some cash. Love you forever, Failing Industry?”

Taking a page out of P. Diddy’s lengthy book Milking the Industry for All It’s Got, Gwen Stefani has been exploiting the anemic goats that are record companies like a major league slugger looking for a wee-bit of ‘roids in a stack of syringes who ends up infecting himself with AIDS. First she had Hollaback Girl, then it was her clothing line, and she even released a Harajuku Girls- themed (her all-Asian, non-English speaking posse) digital camera.

Her latest entry into her horizontally integrated empire is a bid in the celebrity perfume sweepstakes, the aptly named L.A.M.B. When I opened the feigned leopard-print box and read, “I Want You All Over Me,” I felt like I had finally heard my calling. Who wouldn’t want Gwen Stefani all over them, but isn’t this a perfume, not a cologne? So as it goes, this might be the most sexually confused fragrance in recent memory. Nonetheless, when the faux-copper bottle emerged from the box I just wanted to get myself a big chain and show off this bling. The elegant design fits nicely into the niche that Stefani has created, while the perfume itself is a sweet whiff of spring flowers and honeydew melon.
In the world of commodity fetishism I give this perfume (along with her marketing team) a 4.2 out 5. This delectable piece of Americana can be had at your local Macy’s for a mere $55.