The Wake

Twelve Americans were shipped to Guantanamo Bay this week for violating Bush’s latest “proverbial constitutional amendment” (as the Bush Administration now titles its anti-constitutional laws made in the name of homeland security). The law signed last Monday effectively bans all Christmas music, making it a federal crime to listen to, play or sing traditional songs.

“The real weapons of mass destruction are those catchy jingles,” President Bush said at a White House press conference yesterday. New intelligence apparently suggests that Christmas music contains messages to terrorists within the United States.

“Deck the Halls with boughs of holly. Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la,” Bush sang, “that doesn’t sound Arabic to you? And just what do you think boughs of holly are?” Bush would not confirm what a bough of holly actually is, citing it as confidential information restricted to the FBI.

“Most of those songs were written in Iraq, ages ago, and sold to naive American musicians,” Bush explained. “We suspected this years ago. Remember when I said Iraq had WMD’s? Well, sorry to say it, but we found them and they have already infiltrated our borders.”

Another song laced with terrorism, is “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” according to a White House press release that our publication did not question, fact-check or confirm. The reindeer’s names, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen are actually nicknames of Al Qaeda kingpins. Rudolph’s glowing red nose is a reference to superiority of the red aiming laser of a certain type of machine gun.

Delilah, a beloved syndicated radio host, has been arrested in violation of the ban as well as a group of 4th grade carolers. All violators will be sent to Guantanamo Bay for questioning, according to the White House. Parents of the 4th graders from Edina said they cannot believe that their children were working with the terrorists, and are blaming the behavior on violent video games and rap music.

Delilah played two especially high risk songs, “We Three Kings,” and Mariah Carey’s version of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” during her radio show. The lyrics “We three kings of Orient are bearing gifts we traverse afar, field and fountain, moor and mountain, following yonder star,” are some of the most dangerous and mysterious, according to the White House.

“We three kings of ORIENT,” Bush exclaimed, “You’ve got to be kidding me, has North Korea been in on it the whole time too?”

Lyrics from “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” have been deemed particularly inappropriate for children. The introducing verse, “You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why,” warns about a future terrorist attack, in a particularly “mocking tone,” Bush said.

The ban received little criticism from Democrats. “Hearing the 24-hour Christmas music stations, and the same old songs played far too loudly in malls and restaurants is terrorism as far as I’m concerned,” explained Senator Amy Klobuchar.

Democrats were upset, however, when Bush asserted that Christmas music popularity reached an all time high during the Clinton Administration. “I’m not pointing any fingers. I’m just stating the facts,”’ Bush says. “The fact that Clinton ignored intelligence reports suggesting the tremendous danger of Christmas music, but that’s neither here nor there.”

The White House has hired several of their favorite country musicians, including Toby Keith, Alan Jackson and Brooks and Dunn to create “pro-American” Christmas songs to fill the void. “How about a little ‘Deck the Halls with Patriotism,’ ‘Oh, Little Child of Texas,’ ‘All I Want for Christmas is Proof of WMD’s,’ or ‘Terrorists Roasting on an Open Fire,’” Bush exclaimed. “Now those are catchy, I’d sing along to those!”

Note: All lyrics were printed with White House approval. It is a federal offense to reprint this story, read it aloud, or compose a jingle from it.