The Wake

Using epic gun battles to explore the emotionally stirring relationship of two Des Moines police officers, the new surefire blockbuster Partners in Passion is set to ignite screens with gratuitous car explosions and steamy romance.

John Steele (Samuel L. Jackson) is a battle-hardened cop forced to take on a new partner in Martin Lovejoy (Ben Affleck in a truly moving comeback role), the gentle and idealistic new recruit. In the opening scene we find out how John’s previous partner was brutally murdered by the new gang in town, the Little Ladies, a syndicate of cross-dressing midgets. John finds it hard to trust anyone after this emotional loss, but Martin soon unlocks his heart with his gentle companionship and smoldering good looks. Together they set out to track down these sadistic killers and show the world that gay people can kick some serious ass.

I can’t even think of a way to describe how original this film is. Except maybe to say it’s like all four Lethal Weapon movies rolled into one—if each had an artistically respectable amount of Mel Gibson / Danny Glover sex scenes. Hollywood has finally made the perfect film: an action spectacle with a gripping social conscience. Crash did a commendable job of showing racism but could have taken things to the next level by adding some kick-punch Jackie Chan-style action and maybe a wise cracking black cop—someone like Chris Tucker. And while Brokeback Mountain was a nice look at the special kind of love cowboys share, I felt it could have benefited from some well placed shootouts and maybe a cameo from Clint Eastwood.

In my opinion, there are simply not enough gay characters in today’s action films. I know I’m not alone when I say we’ve all been waiting for Jean-Claude Van Damme and Chuck Norris to not only exchange some roundhouse kicks, but some sensual kisses as well. With Partners in Passion, it was as if someone finally had the courage to explore the homosexual undertones of Bad Boys 1 and 2 while keeping the gratuitous explosions. I say bravo, nameless someone!

In the tradition of Waterworld and Cleopatra, Partners in Passion will be the single most expensive film of all time, with a reported budget of $300 million. However, with this year’s Oscar nominees fresh in mind, Hollywood is ready to make movies that matter again. But it wouldn’t make financial sense to craft multiple movies dealing with each topic individually when one massive blockbuster could be crafted to take on racism and sexuality while providing an excessive amount of machine gun fights in the crime riddled state of Iowa.