The Wake

OOH YEAH-A! The Macho Man Randy Savage has signed with Big 3 Records, and has just dropped a 13-track rap album which proves to be as hot, or hotter than, um…uh…the last one from Lil’ Jon & the Eastside Boyz. With the help of Da Raskulls – the production team from Big 3 Records (the latest venture between BAT, R.J. Reynolds and Philip Morris, I think) - Macho Man declares: “I get the crowd crazy cause they’re feelin’ the beat/ You see I got mad flows/ That’s why I’m hot on the streets.” And oh how the streets are watching the Macho Man! His album’s called Be a Man, and he’s calling Hulk Hogan out for a fight! Wow, if I were back in first grade, when Randy Savage and the Hulk were actually wrestling together, I would rush out to Target with Mom and demand its purchase! Sadly, I’m now 23, and I don’t think I pull that kind of weight with Mom anymore… and the WWF is defunct (no, not that evil, panda-loving organization). But when I saw an ad in the paper for a Macho Man appearance at the Mall of America, I demanded to be driven there by friends.

Before anyone could stand in line to meet Randy, you had to buy the CD…at a Sam Goody stand just conveniently placed by the signing…for $15 bucks…from attractive women who pity me for buying/standing in line for anything associated with the Macho Man Randy Savage. When my buddies and I finally got up to the front meet the Man, I found I had nothing to say. I originally wanted to ask him about what ever happened to his hottie manager, Lady Elizabeth, whom he towed around every match like Yoko. Gratefully, some last minute internet research informed me that she had recently died, thus eliminating the chances of any hilarious awkwardness/bludgeoning at the MOA Rotunda. My buddy, Ben, did manage to praise Randy on his Baywatch appearance. Macho Man was appreciative, yet coldly added “too bad Hogan was in it.” Ouch! I became quite curious about this hostility towards Hulk. Did the Hulkster once flake on picking Randy up from the airport or something? What else could create such animosity?

As soon as my pals and I got to the car, we popped in the CD to dive into this controversy. The only anti- Hulk song on the album (and coincidently the only song that credits Macho Man as a songwriter – along with three other dudes) was the title track. I was enticed with the Chingy-inspired chorus, performed by a Chingy-inspired studio rapper: “Be a man, Hulk/ Come on, don’t be scurred/ You’re running from Macho Man that’s what I hurred.” Savage is also no holds barred in attacking Hogan’s cinematic career: “Your movies/ Straight to video/ The box office can’t stand/ While I got myself a feature role in Spiderman.” Double ouch!

Even though the Macho Man provides no genesis of his beef with Hulk, I couldn’t stop listening to the album. It’s completely awful, of course, but his voice is truly hypnotic as he raps like Popeye - with an even worse case of hemorrhoids. With generic, dirty-south beats and delicious clichés, Macho Man has something for every fan of poorly co-opted hip-hop. He’s got his own Nate Dogg impersonator for some choice choruses, a clubin’ track (“Up in the club/ Center of attention/ Me & my crew at the bar big pimpin’/Ladies pointing cuz they’re interested…they wanna chill cuz we poppin’ bubbly”). He even lets all punks know that he’s still hardcore: “I flipped the script/ I’m rappin’ on the mic/ But don’t get twisted/ I’m always down to fight.”

On his website, Randy confides, “this album totally express me, it’s like an autobiography.” After growing up in the shadow of his father, wrestler/World Sit-Up Champion Angelo Poffo, Savage naturally became an athlete. Wrestling was Randy’s last resort, however, after the pain of being signed and quickly cut by the White Sox as a pitcher in the 70s (due to a severe arm injury). Little did Randy know that wrestling would not be his final, frantic last-ditch effort for glory. “Working in the music industry (is) going to be a big part of my legacy.” I, for one, gladly welcome the Macho Man’s script-flipping foray into, of all things, rap. Music lovers can only hope that more former wrestlers, who are in a money-crunch of some sort, will ride the Macho Man’s coat tails. Well, see you next month at the release party for the Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase’s latest Emo effort!