The Wake

The first time I got in trouble I was six years old. Fourteen years later, not much has changed. Since that first time, I’ve been slapped, shaken, written up, brought into coaches’ and principals’ offices and benched from soccer games. When I was six, a relative shook me and assured me if I ever again elected to raise that finger, by itself, I’d go to hell. While some might wonder what type of first-grader gives the finger, I’m still curious about what kind of adult walks around telling small children of the afterlife they should expect.

As I see it, the parallel among all my arbitrary authority figures from Catholic school and the Federal Communications Commission remains intact, and this, in itself, is a subtle middle finger pointed at the First Amendment. If this country were truly free, and the First Amendment were actually maintained, government-sanctioned morality would remain where it belongs. Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech. Yet today, government does just that.

Pick up this magazine, City Pages, The Onion. You won’t be surprised to find words that may or may not offend you. If you’re truly bothered by them, stop reading. Reading is a consensual activity. This is why our magazine is not censored. But change the medium and we enter a realm of guidelines and possible fines for swearing. Once last semester, I helped out during an all-request hour Radio K had at the Whole. We took a call from a man who said it was his birthday. But after our wish that his birthday was all it could be, once his song hit the chorus, the confident male voice moaned, “I want to fuck you.” Then the DJ turned to me and asked, “What did he just say?” The singer again proclaimed his desires to the hearing world. The DJ switched the song and started bargaining his soul against the possibility of an FCC representative having heard. In the end, nobody important heard it and the kid called back to apologize, for he had forgotten.

But what’s the big deal, where’s the difference between The Wake and Radio K? Aside from call signs and licenses to operate, which radio must obtain from the government, is there much of an artistic difference? If The Wake decided to devote an issue to exploring sadomasochism, repeating George Carlin’s seven dirty words, and portraits of Celine Dion, we might lose a few readers. But we wouldn’t be fined. We wouldn’t worry that we’d be forced to shut down. But heaven forbid Radio K plays a Modest Mouse song in which we hear “[human beings] ain’t made of nothing but water and shit.”

I’ve heard people come out in favor of government censorship, and often they say nonsense like, “But I don’t like hearing Howard Stern. I shouldn’t have to put up with that filth.” But guess what? You don’t have to hear it if you don’t like it. That’s the great thing about that remote by your side; you don’t even need to get up from the couch to change the channel. Just because some aspect of a radio or TV show upsets someone or conflicts with their uptight morality doesn’t mean government can sanction what can and can’t be said over the airwaves.

Also, I’ve heard this, “What about the children? Think of the children!” What about the children? I turn the question around: What about the parents? It’s their kid, can’t they decide what the brat isn’t allowed to see? Isn’t that what V-chips are for, to block channels? Lazy parenting is no excuse for this government intrusion. Kids going to a friend’s house? Find out what they’re watching. You’re gone at work? Find out what they’re watching, block a few channels.

I might sound like a prick, but I’m sensitive, too! A lot of stuff offends me. For instance, the sight of W’s face offends me. In my ideal world, his face would be censored. To me, that request doesn’t appear much different from the crusaders who’ve made it impossible to watch movies on network TV. Lips say one thing while the voice, now unlike the actor’s, says “flip you.” It’s an insult to our intelligence to suggest we’re duped by this. Or how about the bigoted proselytizing regarding gay marriage found on any Christian radio station? That certainly offends me. Censor that too, as long as we’re blocking out W’s face.

In our modern world of reruns, professional wrestling and No. 1 songs that sound a lot like the No.1 from the previous week, it’s rare to find truly original artistic expression. The way new sitcoms always reek of something you already saw, how most new bands spend more time on a look than a sound, it’s all the same sin against art. Outlawing certain words because they offend some people doesn’t help. If you don’t like it, if you don’t want your kids to see it, change the channel. Turn it off. It’s nicer outside anyway. Just don’t come into my house and tell me what words I can and can’t hear.

My mom is your typical middle-age mother of three. She goes to church, belongs to a sewing club, and shows her sons Norwegian recipes. But because of her, I’ll always know when I’m too damn old to eat with my elbows on the table, when the Hummer-driving soccer moms are bitches, and when to shut the fuck up instead of criticizing her driving. She’d probably make a good sitcom character. But her sailor mouth might be a bit too risque for network TV. Then again, there’s always HBO. But odds are it’s only a matter of time before government decides they don’t like the way people talk on that channel, either.