The Wake

Anti-corporate was SO last year™.

Zealous American cultural colonization? Please. Global market domination? Are you kidding? Foreign outsourcing? More like foreign love-sourcing, commie. This isn’t your acid-mamma’s America, man. We’re living in a different world now.

And socialism will only spoil the fun for everyone.

Why criticize the capitalist status quo upon which this fine continent rests? You don’t want to poop on everyone’s parade, do you, token young activist? You’re a smart person.

In fact, at this point, you’re probably asking yourself, “Gee Mister, you’re right. Nobody likes getting poop on themselves. But what can I do to stop myself from being just another socialist monkey?”

Well, first stop questioning things so much. Come to grips with reality. Stop questioning why you are against Coca Cola®. Instead ask yourself: “Why do I like Coca Cola® so darned much? Is it the delightful sparkle I feel as the red can graces my rouge lips? Is it the enjoyable taste?”

And should your Satan-loving, idealistic self answer, “I don’t like Coca Cola®,” remember that in this day and age, being “hip” and “cool” and religiously righteous isn’t about rejecting the corporate world. It’s about living it to the fullest. Corporate is really just the new word for cool, kids. And you want to be cool, don’t you? I think we both know that I don’t mean literally cool. That would mean that the Gap’s® non-threatening, fall-color blazers aren’t doing their job. And that would just be a flat-out lie. And I’m not about lying. Corporations are the new kings of the hip universe, so get with the program.

You may not know where to start. Sure, you’ve stopped questioning the nature of things. But how do you know that you’re really a straight-edge corporate, crazy-cool kid?

Well, if everyone at Joe Blow’s Friday night Twister party is aching to shake hands with you; if that special someone you’ve been eying in class tells you you’re “swell” at the punch bowl; if, while walking down the street in your stylin’ polo-khaki combo, you feel on top of the world, congratulations! You’ve finally entered the loving embrace of The Corporation.
And unlike some of your “free-thinking” friends, The Corporation will never make you stand in the rain, protesting the little things like, “fair trade,” “market domination,” and “executive crime.” Rather, like a wonderfully warm, winter comforter from Eddie Bauer®, it will embrace you. You’ll feel like a million bucks — like you’re fireside at the country club, smoking a cigar and sipping aged Scotch over a Bing Crosby record.

So hop on board the exciting express to hipsterdom.

Because when it comes down to it, I think we all know that the Cold War is over kitten, and so is the shelf life of your socialist agenda.

So, if you kids want to be real rock ‘n’ rollers, why don’t you do yourself a favor? Go tell Johnny Q. Communist to move on over, because big, cool, Corporate Love™ is taking over.

Frederic Hanson is the managing editor of The Wake and welcomes comments at fhanson@wakenews.org.