The Wake

Dear Uncle Ethan,
The other day on the way to the store, a cat ran in front of my car and I couldn’t stop in time. It didn’t make it, and now I can’t stop thinking about that poor creature. How do I forgive myself and move on?
Grieving

Dear Grieving,
This is God’s way of punishing you for masturbating. Stop.

Dear Uncle Ethan,
I work with this really sweet guy, “Steve”, and have had a crush on him from day one. I’d flirt with him when I could, but nothing really happened until last weekend when I ran into him at a party. We were both pretty gone, I took him home, and you know the rest. At last! I couldn’t wait to tell my friends at work the good news! But now at work, he’s acting all weird and mumbling one-word answers when I try and talk to him. What’s going on?
Lovestruck

Dear Lovestruck,
Don’t worry, your Steve is just as confused as you are. He’s clearly crushing on you, but he isn’t sure whether you feel the same. Allay his fears by pulling him aside and assuring him that he’s the only guy for you and suggesting possible future dates. See if you can get him to change his Facebook profile to read “In a relationship”—that usually seals the deal.

You are inept. Send your problems to UncleEthan@wakemag.org He can make it better.