The Wake

Dear Uncle Ethan,

So there’s this girl who’s got everything going for her: she’s gorgeous, smart, funny, and we’re totally on the same wavelength intellectually.

There’s only one problem: she’s dating my roommate. But when she talks to me, I get a strong vibe that she’s craving something more. How can I steal this girl without my roommate killing me in my sleep?

Jessie

Dear Jessie,

First off, roommates come and go, but true love is forever. So you should be more concerned with following your heart and less worried about pussyfooting around trying to avoid hurting your roommate’s feelings.

You’re all open-minded college hippies, right? Convince the two of them that they should have a three-way, and when it’s going down, subtly but firmly insist that your roommate spend most of the time working the camera. It’s the perfect “in!”?

Dear Uncle Ethan,

I’ve been on two dates with “Bill”, and I’ve had a really nice time with him. We’re going out again this weekend, but my roommate has me worried. She’s convinced that if you don’t go down on a guy by the third date, he’ll dump you for sure, but I think she’s just being slutty. What do you think?

Unsure

Dear Unsure,

Hold on—it’s the third time you’re going out and you still haven’t gone down like Flight 93? You’re lucky to be GETTING a third date!

Not only are you socially obligated to slob his knob (he is paying for dinner, right?), but your failure to do so sends the message that you think there’s something wrong with him. You know the saying “Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?” Well, if you don’t give it up, he’s just going to go get milked by someone else, and you will die alone.