The Wake

I recently sat down after a long, long night of work and began reading an article in the September issue of Cosmopolitan titled, “How Cosmo Changed the World.” I was expecting an article on fair trade lipstick or the subsidization of tampons. The article is, according to the subtitle, a celebration of the fact that forty years ago Cosmopolitan became the “fun fearless magazine” that I “couldn’t live without.” Yes, now I remember: Every month, toward the front of the mag, Cosmo has a short bio and pic of a “fun fearless female.” This woman, they claim, has it all and still dares to be original; she drives a hybrid, started an international children’s charity, and is coincidentally gorgeous and/or famous. Now I vaguely remembered flipping through the publication a week earlier, and thought I’d seen the criteria to apply for the honor somewhere in the magazine.

Could I apply to be a fun, fearless female? Since last summer I completed a fabulous internship, traveled abroad, ran a marathon, had my heart broken, and received my BA from the University of Minnesota. Currently I am working three jobs, volunteering and still taking credits at the U. While I’m sure that if I were a couple of pounds lighter and six inches taller I’d have a better chance of appearing in Cosmo, I thought I’d try anyway. So I flipped through the magazine twice, but became frustrated when I couldn’t find information on how to be their next fun, fearless female. Finally, I found a page with a big picture of a movie star and blurbs explaining how she can kill her own spiders and make the first move on a guy.

Not that being rich, beautiful, famous, married, and confident isn’t good; in fact, it’s something to aspire to. But I can make the first move on a guy and kill bugs, too. The issue that still really baffles me is that Cosmo is pretending it is all about empowering women. The cover headlines from this month’s issue include: “The Article That Can Make You Feel Better Almost Instantly” (Good, everyone needs a boost sometimes.); “Hot New Sex Tricks;” “50 Ways to Be a Better Girlfriend;” and “Guys Uncensored: What He’s Really Thinking After Sex.”

Don’t get me wrong: I love articles like this. That’s why I continue to subscribe to Cosmo year after year. Practically every woman wants to feel attractive, which is why we read fashion and beauty articles. And, yes, I am curious to see if there is anything I don’t know about Kama Sutra. But if I were to have perfect hair, makeup, and fellatio techniques, I wouldn’t feel like a fun, fearless female. I’d feel hot and sexy, and that’s about it. What would make me feel fun and fearless is to have some important editing job in a big building downtown where I do productive and important things every day. And if I chose to do it in stilettos, that’s my prerogative.

What makes me feel fun and fearless is squatting more weight than anyone else around me — male or female — while I’m in the gym, remembering that I own my apartment (again, three jobs) and being able to feel attractive and interesting without being a model or socialite. I will probably always subscribe to Cosmo, but not because it makes me feel liberated and powerful. Rather, because I want to find out how to give a better blowjob.

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