Recently, Matt Damon compared Gov. Palin and her meteoric rise to fame to a bad Disney movie. It seems that he was more right than he ever could have known: we’ve recently discovered they really are making this movie. One of our writers sat down and recorded a meeting of screenwriters discussing the project.

Writer 1: All right settle down, let’s get to work. We open to the Alaskan Wilderness, serene pines, babbling brooks, blah blah whatever. Music is nice, cheesy sort of, until out of the sky BAM! Appears a helicopter with Sarah hanging out the window, touting an M-16 assault rifle. She sprays dozens of
rounds, the force from the machine gun making her glasses slide down her nose.

Writer 2: Yes, yes! And we must show the various endangered species she’s wiping off the planet.

Writer 1: Dave, get that down, ground shots of whatever she’s taking out. Make sure they’re not all cute and cuddly.

Writer 3: (Makes notes in notebook) No bambies, right. Got it. What next?

Writer 1: Okay, so we see her kill some shit, animals that were likely on their way to take out her son Capper anyways, right? Defenseless and endangered my ass!

Writer 2: Isn’t her boy’s name “Trig”?

Writer 3: Which one, the invalid?

Writer 2: You can’t call a baby an “invalid” anymore, that’s not PC!

Writer 3: Well I know we can’t say “retard.”

Writer 1: Will you two shut up and get back to the movie?

Writer 3: But boss, what are we supposed to call little Gamebird?

Writer 1: Call him Gripper or Moonshine or Republican Conservative War Machine, we’re not going near your guys’ thing.

Writer 2: But I have this great idea for a joke. We mistake saying someone’s “down” for something. See, it’s funny! “Wait what, you’re down? Doesn’t that mean . . .” It writes itself!

Writer 3: You may be on to something here…

Writer 1: We have to finish the opening, fellas. Okay, how about this. Sarah’s chopper descends, and she guts her kill, instructing Cripper or McCarthy’s Cavity Rash, whichever kid she’s got with her, on the intricacies of carving animal flesh. Girl asks, “Mommy is this why you know what everybody else should do with their lives?” Sarah says, “Yes sweetie, this gives me the right,” and holds high her endangered species heart.

Writer 3: She holds up the heart?

Writer 1: Yeah, she has to! No flesh of an endangered species by midnight, Sarah turns back into a werewolf. Don’t you know anything? I told you to research this before you walked in here today. (Clears throat.) Now, as she’s raising the animal organ to her lips, out of nowhere comes . . . . a bear! And not just any bear, but a great big fucking bear! But Sarah’s gun’s out of ammo, oh no! The bear’s approaching her and the girl… Until, kaboom! One shot rings out, and there’s McCain, from his extreme wheelchair bumping over the forest ground, he shoots the bear dead. “John, you saved us!” Cries Sarah. “Now if he could just save the country, too,” the little girl with missing front teeth says, and we cut to the title: McSame and the Palinator Save the World!

Writer 2: Nice.

Writer 1: Okay, okay so what’s next?

Writer 3: Thinking flashback. Wasilla, early 00s. Let’s see the tumultuous goings-on of the hamlet she presides over.

Writer 2: Yeah, like we see a guy buying some tackle and fishing line, the lone stoplight changes colors.

Writer 1: Right, then straight cut to Palin’s office. In her to-do box, we see a stack of books . . . dangerous books.

Writer 2: First up, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. She opens to an earmarked page, we hear her say: “Look, right here! It says ‘fuck!’ We can’t have that filth in our library! My girl Kelp doesn’t even know what that word means!”

Writer 2: Good, good. Next A Farewell to Arms. She starts leafing through it, mouthing the words.

Writer 3: Wait! I dunno about that one, isn’t it about war?

Writer 1: Hmm, good point.

Writer 2: Yeah, but is it one of those against war rags?

Writer 1: Yeah, we’ll hold off on that, let’s get on to her being the Gov.

Writer 2: Right, Governor’s Mansion. Moving boxes, Sarah leaning out the window with binoculars.

Writer 3: Oooh! Let’s have one of those in-binocular shots!

Writer 2: Yeah, we see those Russians, plotting . . . loading a freighter with something.

Writer 1. Make note, Sarah gets suspicious look on her face.

Writer 2: (Writing) Next, after being sure she’s kept the Ruskies at bay and Alaska safe for another day, a staffer walks in with a clipboard.

Writer 1: Staffer says: “Governor, people are taking issue with your ‘to-be-fired’ list for today. Does this state trooper really have to be canned?”

Writer 2: Sarah shouts: “Didn’t I tell you that copper is incompetent? Don’t people realize how much day-to-day contact the Governor has with state police?”

Writer 3: Hey! Idea! The staffer protests, what happens? Pink slip! Sarah has a dispenser on her belt!

Writer 1: “See ya,” she cries.

Writer 2: What next? When does the old man come in?

Writer 3: She has to do something before then, doesn’t she?

Writer 2: Yeah, isn’t she still moving in to the Governor’s mansion?

Writer 1: True. But, whatever, we’ll just play up the abortion thing, that’ll make people not care!

Writer 3: Sweet!

(The group exchanges high-fives.)

Writer 1: Another masterpiece for the Criterion Collection, boys!

Writer 2: Let’s take the money they gave us and buy some fur coats!

* everything you just read is a lie

Tags: abortion, politics