The Wake

‘Woo’ upon ‘woo’ upon ‘woo,’ the sounds of a university education. University of Minnesota students pause their important cell phone conversations to pick up pompoms and can after can after can of Busch Light this past Saturday morning to attend the homecoming parade. Male-to-male high-fives, in response to female coeds walking past, echoed down University Avenue. A giant yellow foam hat, presumably won at a county fair carnival, shone like a beacon on a young scholar’s closely-cropped head. The hat attracted gaggles of U of M students like a lighthouse’s beaming light, bringing lost ships to shore.

The air was fragrant with the scent of manure, which steamed from the apples left by UMPD horses. Minneapolis Mayor R.T. Rybak dodged the forgotten clumps in a noble effort to campaign for reelection. He shook hands with the U’s finest on the north side of University Avenue. Rybak was able to secure promised votes from these students, who still had the hung-over smirk of the Bush 2004 reelection win on their faces.

Of the undergraduates in the crowd, only two distinct faces could be found: one generic male and one generic female. The following is a rough checklist of how one should look and act in order to make friends on homecoming weekend.
For the male student:
-Hair should be gelled and cut short
-Maroon and gold outerwear
-A jersey is good
-Aviator glasses—should be worn on the neck of a T-shirt
-Puka shell necklaces—which, upon closer inspection, seem to have been purchased at American Eagle and not the shores of Jamaica
-A football or Frisbee, held in one hand—in order to have a friend go long when the supply of women to ogle runs out
-Droopy, inebriated eyes
-Busch, Miller, Coors or Bud—but make sure it’s Light beer
-Rolling Rock—if you’re trying to impress
-Say “woo!”
-Say “oh yeah!”
-A cowboy hat—the bigger the better; from this logic, it’s evident that the young man in the giant yellow hat mentioned earlier was the leader of the males in attendance because his hat was the biggest
-Wearing a chicken suit puts one at the same status level as the giant yellow hat—but, once the suit is off and the high-fives stop, the tears will come

For the female student:
-Wear make up
-After applying makeup, please remember to reapply
-Wear maroon and gold outerwear—but unlike the males, alter the common T-shirt to reveal skin
-Low cut jeans—go for the plumber look
-Find the boys with the Rolling Rock
-Suppress the idea of equality that allows you to attend this university
-Laugh at the inane
-Say “woo!”—but say it in an Alicia Silverstone, Clueless voice
-Say “Tiffany, wait up for me”—even if you don’t know a Tiffany, say it and someone will wait for you
-Reapply, reapply, reapply—hide your true beauty to achieve that airbrushed glow
-Curb your superiority to the males around you–they don’t like it
-Be blond—preferably, blond #304 to match your gold Gopher shirt

Unfortunately, it rained on the parade, and it rained even harder on a fraternity at the end of the line near the Dinky Dome. The police arrested a male student outside one of the frat houses. He resisted, flailing his arms and shoulders around to push the officers away. The officers threw him to the ground to handcuff him while he continued to resist. While the arrest was taking place, several observers standing nearby on the fraternity grounds started to taunt the arresting officers. One male in particular continuously ran up to the officers, astutely shouting, “Rodney King.” However, the brave student was quick to retreat when threatened with arrest. A Frisbee was also thrown at the officers, in a valiant protest. The man stood cuffed, with a bloody nose. The Rodney King shouter documented the entire ordeal on his digital camera—which is the only applicable comparison to the Rodney King ordeal back in the early 1990s. As the young man was taken away, the last float went by—the grand finale!

The only disappointment of the entire parade was that the U football players didn’t ride their fleet of mopeds down University Avenue to conclude the procession.

Tom McNamara is the Voices staff writer and welcomes comments at .