It finally happened. Steve Jobs and Co. have fallen from their mighty tower of hip. After months of buzz surrounding Apple’s new product, the much anticipated iPad was released to the sounds of bad puns and nervous laughter rather than the obligatory cash register ka-chings that one would expect from the prodigious technology provider of recent years.

Yes, the moniker attached to Apple’s sleek new life-enhancing gadget is an easy target for the internet hive mind, which has dubbed it the “iPeriod.” the “MaxiPad” and my personal favorite the “iPad Smear.”One could spend days simply contemplating the social and psychological repercussions of owning a piece of technology with such a hilarity-inducing name. Alas, we, as conscious animals of consumption, must quell our giggles, pick up our split sides and move on.

Evaluating the design and features of the iPad has left many reviewers scratching their heads. Basically the iPad boils down to a Honey I Blew Up the Kid-version of the iPod touch. I was planning on playing “Baby Shaker” (my favorite infanticide simulating app) on the iPad’s high-resolution, 9.7-inch LED-backlit IPS screen when I learned that the application had recently been pulled from the company’s online store. This is just the first of many complaints with the platform. Many developers have found it difficult to get their applications approved by Apple due to simple logistical problems, and the corporation has been consistent in rejecting any content that does not support its wholesome image. Inevitably, this will lead to other companies foregoing said limitation and taking a stab at the market share that enjoys their less-than family friendly content on the go. As most are aware, in the battle of competing technological formats, whichever is embraced by the pornography industry wins big (see VHS vs. Betawho?). I for one cannot wait to enjoy Star Wars: the Moan Wars while waiting at the bus stop, playing in the ball pit at my neighborhood McDonald’s PlayPlace or visiting my Nana in the nursery home.

Application developers’ dissatisfaction with content restriction is not the only thing holding the iPad back from hipster stardom. The lack of camera and USB port, inability to multitask, and lack of support for Flash content have all been cited by users as hindrances to performance. Things aren’t looking good for those looking to replace their lame and cumbersome laptop with the iPad.
Fear not, loyal subservients of the Apple faith! Your prayers will be answered…eventually. I believe that although Jobs would like for all 6.5 billion human beings on planet earth to be toting one of his new fangled contraptions, the iPad’s innovative qualities lie in more selective application. I believe that Apple’s newest product will find various usages in different ways than originally intended by Grand Master Jobs. For one, the service industry should jump on this type of portable technology. Out with the guys and want to order a Mimosa but the waitress won’t even look in your general direction? Just whip out the complimentary iPad at your table and flick through the restaurant’s drink selection. A couple scrolls and clicks later and the bartender has your order, made your drink and sent it over. The age of wireless fidelity is indeed beautiful. Perhaps one day soon I will be able to frequent my go-to dive bar and order like a high roller.

Besides higher ups in the food world, what about every other executive in corporate America? Need to look over today’s meeting agenda or the notes from last week’s that you missed? Pass me that gigantic tablet of up-to-speed awesomeness. Is that Power Point presentation too far away to see? Now you can have all the meaningless pie charts and fiscal figures from last year at your fingertips.
The iPad’s $499 price tag is just another bothersome but solvable detail. Like all technology, with time and third party copy-catting, the touch screen tablet will be burning less holes in the wallets of consumers, business executives and forward thinking entrepreneurs of the food industry.

Well there you have it kids. Let’s review. What’s going to save Apple’s iPad? Pornography (putting the device’s gimmicky nature to good work). And the vanity of the corporate world.

Tags: Technology