The Wake

Don’t buy Super Smash Bros. Brawl if you have a column due.

There are myriad reasons why, but I’ll focus on one: It is terminally good. I chose that word with care; Brawl is a terminal game. It will end careers, marriages, friendships, and college educations. In fact, fuck it, I’m expanding my suggestion.

Don’t buy Brawl if you want to:

• have friends who don’t play Brawl
• pass any classes this semester
• have sex at any point in the near future
• keep up a basic level of hygiene
• eat enough to be healthy
• keep muscles other than your thumbs from atrophying
• read a book
• earn the money to pay your rent
• preserve your dignity
• sleep enough to preserve your sanity
• communicate in something other than grunts

The new shipment of games comes with a warning label to the effect of the list above.
Seriously. Consider what you want from your life before you make a purchase.
Learn from my mistakes.