The Wake

Never, no matter what the circumstances, put a balloon on your cock.

Now, I understand the variety of situations in which that would seem like an appealing course of action. “But Deniz, I ran out of condoms and they look approximately the same!” “But Deniz, I just got a pack of vibrantly colored glow-in-the-dark ones!” Save it. No matter how desperate your situation or how appealing the balloons, this is not a good idea.

Sure, it’ll let you have sex with your girlfriend (and perhaps even make your penis look bright and colorful and welcoming), but when you pull out you’ll notice that you can feel nothing but a strange tingling sensation in your penis. That is because the balloon is cutting off the circulation to your genitals. Of course you realize this, and you act quickly, grabbing a nearby knife and cutting the balloon off of your penis. Unfortunately, because your penis is numb by this point, you cut a little too deep.

Are you beginning to see why you shouldn’t put balloons on your penis?

As the blood pools at your feet, your girlfriend faints, and you’ve got to try to stop the bleeding with one hand while you call the ambulance with the other. When all is said and done, there is permanent scarring and seriously impaired function.

And that’s why you should never put balloons on your cock, for any reason. Well, perhaps the real moral of the story is “Knives and Penises Don’t Mix.” Or maybe “Don’t Do Cocaine.” Learn from my mistakes.