The Wake

Fall is the time of year when nature takes a dramatic turn, shifting from life to death. Words like “leaves,” “football,” and “school” creep into our vocabulary; crisp, cool mornings chased by warm, sunny afternoons become the norm. Fall is the time of year when you change clothes multiple times a day: from pants to shorts, and back to pants again, all the while not sure what to do with the sweater you’re carrying around in case it gets cold.

Maybe the largest burden (or gift, depending on your perspective) that fall brings is the start of school. It’s laughable how it all starts. The “fam” piles everything into the minivan and heads to the cities to drop you off at college — an event that seems to take as long as it did for your voice to finally change or to grow out of your first training bra.

Finally you arrive and move in. The “fam” piles back into the minivan loaded with the ever-corny “U of M MOM” shirt and “U of M DAD” mug. They say their goodbyes and off they go. What comes next is a feeling that lies somewhere between ecstasy and orgasm. You’re left with a place of your own, away from your family free to do WHATEVER you want…so you do exactly that. The tragedy is, this happy tale ends the night of Labor Day when you realize that the next morning brings the defeat over the reign you had on your life. You must now serve some creature that has usurped the throne you held so briefly.

The stress and reality of life takes over and you feel out of control, completely disconnected. This feeling is so unsettling that you begin to make rash decisions that could drastically alter the course of human existence! Not quite, but people often make choices they regret once things settle down.

One such decision is the ever looming question on adults’ minds and, according to many, only reason you would ever attend college: your major. Although this is a very important part of college, a major is merely a portion of the memories that you’ll leave with. A wise woman once said, “Don’t be one of those people who didn’t get an education because they got a degree.”

To avoid this disaster I have created a simple three-step plan to choose a major that is right for you. Step one: Do I like this stuff? This is a question that only you can answer. It’s the introspective part of the plan. You truly need to play hardball with yourself here and ask, “Every morning when I get up do I say, ‘Damn I love my life!’?”

Step two: Is this the right school for me to obtain this major? This is the part of the plan where you analyze an external element of the major process. Degrees differ from school to school. I recommend that you attend a school that offers your major. For example, if you want to major in architecture, go to a school that offers an architecture major! It may seem obvious, but more than 200 students are currently pasting together their own makeshift majors in an individualized degree program. It does not seem wise to attend a school where no one’s thought of offering your major.

Finally, step three: Is it possible to get a job with the major I’ve chosen? This is the part of the plan where both inter- and intra- spective pieces are combined — the coming together of your wants with the harsh reality of the world. Fortunately, every major I could think of had numerous job possibilities. But certain job markets are tough, so it’s important to think optimistically and creatively, combining the skills of major and minor. For example, let’s use the unlikely example that there’s a surplus of chemical engineers, thus fewer jobs for graduates. One such graduate could, if equipped with a management minor, become a crack dealer. Another possibility is for a performing arts major that minored in accounting to become a stripper. Creativity is the key.

Bottom line, school is a beginning and an end. It’s important to take many deep breaths throughout the day, and never lose your head over something so insignificant. Perhaps it will make you feel better to know that if you don’t find your major, you can count on your major finding you.