The Wake

Guys, is there anything more singularly terrifying than the possibility of some unexplained ailment in your favorite area? Such feelings could cause one to propose a question: What’s worse, a splintering pain rocketing through your nads every five minutes, or having to explain this feeling—with visual aids—to some estranged nurse in a cold doctor’s office between classes?

Once I was staying at my sister’s house in Oregon, and in the shower there was a laminated poster that described how women should perform monthly breast exams. It had cartoon pictures similar to those of airplane exit strategy cards: bland, thoughtless faces angled downward at the afflicted area, and a hand with three fingers prodding the region in a manner completely devoid of eroticism. But the notion that a group of young women living together had a frequent reminder to perform these tasks made me realize that information like this is not properly provided for males. Sure, some of us attend the occasional physical, where cold hands explore us uninvitingly, but what about the other eleven months of the year?

Once, a physician told me, “Poke around once a month or so make sure there are no lumps or anything.” Isn’t that a little vague? Doc, what exactly do these lumps even feel like? Some might attribute my concern to a state of hypochondria, but if you’ve ever had to lock yourself in a dormitory bathroom stall to pass a kidney stone, you tend to want to take better care of yourself.

So here it is, guys: a concise, do-it-yourself guide to ensuring testicular health. Dr. Jon Pryor, professor and chair of the Department of Urologic Surgery at the U, recommends that men check for lumps once per month. The problem with checking too frequently is that a man might not notice the subtle changes in size of a particular lump. It should be done in a warm shower, so the skin is looser and the testicles more movable. One hand should stabilize the testicle while the other hand examines the entire surface of with the thumb and forefinger. The lumps that could indicate a possible problem are hard and often about the size of peas, though Dr. Pryor has seen some as big as marbles, and others as large as baseballs.

Other signs that there is a problem in the testicles include testicular pain (though this can also be a sign of epididymitis, testicular torsion, and a myriad of STDs) or a presence of blood in the semen. Testicular cancer is more frequently seen in men between their late teens and 30s. It is also more common in men whose testes did not descend as children. If detected early, the survival rate is almost one hundred percent. It is, however, an incredibly fast growing problem, so if ignored, it will spread to other parts of the body and treatment becomes much more difficult.

In contrast to some sexual education topics, this sort of information is certainly not controversial. Those of certain groups who maintain that some information, like proper condom use, ought not to be taught in school because it conflicts with their morality, have no proper arguments to oppose this type of information being given to students. In a situation such as this, it is crucially important to detect these problems early, and often young males might be a little embarrassed to tell their parents or make a doctor’s appointment,.

What’s most important is that males understand that certain ailments ought not to be ignored, even if confronting them is embarrassing. Remember, they’re your only balls, and they have to last you a while. Treat them well and they’ll do you the same favor.

Oh, and one last piece of advice: remember, if you’re ever caught in “the act,” you weren’t desecrating the temple that is your body, you were checking for cancer. Who would be opposed to that?