The Wake

The Weather Channel lists the average high temperature of Minneapolis in December at 26 degrees. So why does anyone live here? Good question.

Every winter people call attention to the many negative aspects of living in an arctic-esque climate. It’s a view that fits in nicely with overcast skies seasonal depression. But I am going to do a public service and try to cheer people up.

Sure you may be paying exorbitant energy prices just to keep your place warm enough to keep your cheeks from freezing to the toilet seat, but look on the bright side. Think of every morning you go about your business as a little lottery. Except instead of truckloads of money, you may win the ability to urinate without incident.

There are two simple remedies I recommend if you live in a drafty old house. First, throw a party and play Kanye West’s “Gold Digger” at least once every fifteen minutes. The body heat generated from the mandatory dancing should heat your place in a jiffy.

The second option is for you to invite yourself to someone else’s place and complain until they crank the heat. Why pay for something yourself when you can guilt-trip it onto somebody else? For the men, it may be depressing to see all the girls bundled up in parkas and galoshes. On the other hand, there are usually a few girls out there willing to objectify themselves in the frigid weather and wear a miniskirt. Those brave souls help break the monotony of seeing the non-insane girls walking around campus. For the ladies, you may miss the buffed up guy taking his shirt off before any action that may cause him to sweat. For this problem, I haven’t any solution mainly because winter is my vacation from those guys. But relax; they will be back before you know it.

Those who live in residence halls may seem to have it easy compared to those of us who live in apartments or houses and have to pay for heat. They can turn the heat up to 90 degrees and won’t pay an extra cent. They do, however, face the unfortunate task of figuring out a way to air out the puke smell in the room without opening a window and exposing the whole hallway to chills. Also, the dormies have no place to hang coats or put wet shoes. If you take one step into your dorm room wearing anything wet, the game is already over. Your whole carpet is soaked. The snow will get everywhere and you will feel it the next morning as you try to maneuver your way around the stolen lounge furniture without waking up your roommate.

But let’s focus our attention on the positives of winter. I think I know the one great thing about winter we can all agree on. Let me paint a picture: it’s brisk to say the least. Your nose is red and possibly blistering. Powdery-white snow swirls around you eliminating much of your visibility. The wind knifes through your jacket, chilling you to the bone. And at that very moment where you are sure that you cannot go one step farther in this horrible place, and that you will seriously investigate studying abroad in Siberia just for some warmth, you see it.

Someone slips on the ice and falls over.

It’s nothing serious; the person gets up a little wetter and a lot more humble. But for that brief moment when you saw the arms start to flail and the feet just so close to finding a grip, you see the face of God. And he breathes warmth into your soul that spreads to your body, allowing you to forge onward in your journey to class.

So anytime you are feeling down about the weather, just keep an eye out for people who look a little unsure of their footing. And if you are one of the people falling down, keep your chin up. You are helping everyone out. Furthermore, the next time it’s someone else’s turn.