The Wake

This is the crystal ball special, the rest of the year in news brought to you before the news hits, or even happens. Keep it handy and score along as the year progresses.

Sept. 2004:

Jesus returns as the rapture takes place over Madison Square Garden at the National Republican Party convention during the week of 9/11. Bush is delighted as Jesus tells America - on a FOX news exclusive - that they are indeed God’s chosen people, and they have the right to kill as many people as necessary for carrying the eternal quest toward the great American “good.” Jesus then eats a $10,000 plate lunch consisting of stale nachos, a burnt corndog, a glass of Kool-aid and a beating human heart. Jesus suddenly morphs into Satan and waves a twin-towered fork toward the president. FOX News cuts to commercial.
George W. Bush wakes up in a night sweat mumbling about a nightmare that gave him a terrible fright, but after a glass of warm milk, a few Xanax, and a verse or two, he manages to fall back asleep in his West Texas Ranch.
John Kerry, in a campaign stop is quoted as saying: “Bush isn’t even from fucking Texas, he is from fucking Connecticut, and I have a fucking soul, and hey, wait, why are you leaving…You say it’s already decided? Fuck you, John Fucking Kerry still matters, come on you dumb asses, vote for me!” The fading Kerry even attempts to masturbate a bear at a local zoo before being severely mauled in an attempt to show voters a political consciousness about sexual dysfunction in American zoos.

Oct 2004:

California and Florida fall into the ocean, but for different reasons. California collapses under the weight of over used facial cosmetics and blow, and Florida dips below the waves as it has sprouted a dominant sexual identity and wants to penetrate whatever is near it.
California and Florida Governors Arnold and Jeb miraculously survive the accidents while in Vegas collecting insurance bets they made on long odds.
John Ashcroft orders all reference of California and Florida erased from school history books. Nation obeys.
Dick Cheney is outed as being really into bondage and whipping.
Donald Rumsfeld has his first HBO comedy special.
The Supreme Court takes time away to form the “The Judicial Players” and stage a critically acclaimed rendition of Waiting for Godot.
Congress goes on a bender and returns with stubble, loosened ties and the smells of cheap perfume and whiskey.
George W. Bush accidentally ruins his pants and lacerates his leg as he weed-whips around his West Texas ranch. Briefly he considers leaving and seeking treatment, but decides instead to watch “Jack Van Impe Presents.”
America’s Iraq policy is once again changed; giant blanket emblazoned with word “Freedom” is hastily thrown over entire country. Near the Iraqi / Saudi Arabian border, a giant used condom is found. Near it is a wrapper advertising American “Magnum” size, but advising you must “first add your own oil-based lubricant.”

Nov. 2004:

A rich white male, a Yale graduate, a “Skull & Bonesman” from the Northeast of America with a bloodline leading back to the upper crust of our country is elected president. Nation is unsure which candidate that exactly is, but the 36 percent that do vote are in quite a rush to get home and watch “The Swan” on FOX. Instead of the usual “Full Body Makeover” slice and augment, and the part where people simultaneously laugh and cry, the election night edition features full nudity and sexual augmentation. The nation then proceeds to fart loudly, scratch, spill beer on the shag carpeting, and dig around in the couch cushions trying to find its car keys.
Work begins on the alterations to the Statue of Liberty; the torch is torn away and an extended middle finger is added.

Dec. 2004:

FOX contemplates canceling “The Swan” as Americans are already bored and want something more extreme.
America’s attempt to liberate the Sun and provide freedom to the Sun’s supply of hydrogen backfires as the Sun explodes. Entire planet burnt to a cinder except for the Pentagon, which continues to float autonomously in space, scheming for American security.
FOX continues to broadcast.