The Wake

I’ve always thought that eventually the ugly would inherit the Earth. It seems logical that the less attractive people wouldn’t be so plagued with social obligations and would spend their time studying. The studying would make the ugly smart. Freakishly smart. Inevitably, in my mind, the new nerds would become consumed with anger at the successful, yet stupid, sexy people in high profile positions. The unbeautiful would then develop robots to kill the beautiful people. There would be a bloody battle of machine versus (wo)man. The robots would obviously win. And we would all live happily ever after. Well, most of us would live happily ever after.

The thing is, I’m apparently wrong. Study after study has proven that the sexy folk are not just sexy, but successful beyond their ability to get booty, and likely not vulnerable to annihilation by robots.

Researchers have found that people who are more attractive get higher job positions, make more money, often perform better academically, are better in social settings and achieve better grades than their uglier peers.

In a study conducted of teachers of fifth grade students, the educators were shown pictures of youth and asked to speculate on how the students would perform in the classroom. With incredibly high frequency, the teachers presumed that the sexier students would achieve higher marks on IQ exams, as well as be more successful in leadership roles and in their future careers.

Because teachers believe that these students are more likely to achieve success, they often give the students more attention and support in their academic careers. This extra aid usually does help the students progress and become smarter than the less attractive, more ignored normal kids.

In fifth grade, I was fat. I wore pink sweatpants and Tweetie T-shirts. Deciding that I was too cool for Great Clips, I cut my own hair. I boycotted showering. Knowing now that my teachers were probably already secretly plotting against me, I was consumed with a sudden vengeful hatred. Ms. Younger, we shall meet again.

However, this prejudice against the ugly doesn’t end in grade school. Researchers conducted a study in which they required professors to grade essays written by students with attached photos. The essays supposedly done by the sexy received higher grades, on average, than those done by the normal folk, regardless of the actual quality of words written.

My advice: spend less time worrying about your books and more time worrying about your boobs. Guys: screw studying. Instead, try slipping a couple socks in your slacks.

Beyond the academics, through their preferential treatment of the cuties, these educators are teaching students their own bias toward attractiveness, thereby creating and continuing this cycle.

In addition, this exaltation of beautiful people is displayed throughout Western media. The women of Desperate Housewives are all very attractive. Though still plagued with all their dramas, there is no doubt that they are successful human beings. In My Name Is Earl, the characters are remarkably average looking, and, not surprisingly, they are portrayed as the dirty and unnecessary squirrels of society.

Another proposed reason for the bias could emerge from evolutionary reasons. In the past, people (and the pre-people monkeys) needed to find life-partners that were primarily physically able to care for themselves, their lovers and their future families. Smooth skin and a well-formed and maintained body were often used as quick determiners of health and potential successfulness for mating. The good-lookers would mate and the bias would be passed down the line.

This is called the “Halo Effect.” When we see someone with a rocking bod and silky soft skin, we presume that, even beyond their good looks, they’ve got it going on. We worship them for their beauty and for the other good qualities that we immediately assume they have.

This niceness expressed to the hot-among-us also helps them create and maintain a healthy degree of self-confidence. With this confidence they approach every situation with the complete belief that they can achieve their every goal, thus truly increasing the potential for success.

This confidence also aids the beautiful in their social interactions. While the uggs believe that they have to really push and fight to get their way, the sexy are more able to approach antagonistic situations with an intense calm, as their past experiences leave them believing that they will get their way without having to put up their dukes. Further research has been conducted to find that people generally believe that more attractive people will be more cooperative and easier to work with in career situations.

This pleasant demeanor and the other biases that correspond to good looks make the pretty more appealing to employers. They are hired more often, promoted more frequently and generally make more money than others.

Another plus to being pretty that is important to consider: hotter convicts receive lesser punishments. So, before you attempt to rob that convenience store, stop and take a glance at yourself in the mirror. Maybe you should lose a little weight? Get a haircut? Maybe you’re just too ugly to be successful in the criminal life.

What a load of suck. Throughout my life I have taken some comfort in my apparently erroneous thought that, though I am not the most beautiful, what I lack in sex appeal I make up for in my cunning wit and nasty smarts. I assumed the same of other average-looking people I saw. I don’t want to know that those who look like they have it all, actually do have it all.

As Billie Holiday said, “Them that’s got shall get. Them that’s not shall lose.”

Anyone know how to build a robot? Anyone?

Nix is a Voices staff writer and welcomes your comments at .