The Wake

While waterboarding may sound like a fun summer activity one would do drunk on a pontoon, it’s
definitely not. As per this particular technique, the perpetrator is held down on their back on a slanted board so that their feet are higher than their head. A cloth or cellophane is then placed on the perpetrator’s face or mouth and water is poured over their face to simulate drowning.

Dude! Lets go waterboarding

An interrogation technique that dates back to the Spanish Inquisition, the issue became political when the New York Times ran their liberal exposé on the Justice Department’s legal opinion of interrogations in September 2007. In February 2008, the terrorist sympathizers known as Congress passed an interrogation bill that outlawed the use of waterboarding and any torture in interrogations, only for it to be struck down by that sadist President Bush.

Well, I’m ready to delve into the S&M-like world of the CIA and experience this controversial technique myself. Drowning is one of my biggest fears, so this should be interesting.

McCain and Obama both believe waterboarding is considered torture and if someone knows torture, it’s John McCain. (Have you ever listened to any of his speeches?) So there’s no real debate here. To me however, it’s clear that terrorists and insurgents don’t listen to rules made in some little Swiss town. In June 2006, two U.S. soldiers were found dead in Iraq and were brutally tortured by insurgents before dying. If someone in custody knew about an attack on hundreds or thousands of civilians or soldiers, shouldn’t we do what we can within legal boundaries to save them? Right, Jack Bauer?

Well, as I was being tied to the board with a red extension cord found in my basement, I started to have feelings of panic. Anytime I’m being put in submission, my first instinct is to break free. No one puts baby in a corner.

Once I laid my head on the board I started to get anxious. It suddenly didn’t seem like a good story idea anymore. As I constantly said to the four people helping me, “Seriously, you have to stop when I tell you to.”

“I think we’re in control of that. Don’t worry,” one of the henchmen said jokingly. This wasn’t funny anymore. As they placed the rag on my face, reality sunk in. The anticipation of something painful can seem worse than the actual pain. Not being able to see didn’t help either.

Finally, the water hit my face and it felt like a nasal enema. I sat up in about three seconds, spitting water everywhere. All I could say was, “God this sucks.”

The second attempt was worse than the first. I lasted about five seconds before freaking out and throwing my head up. My nose felt like a fish tank and I could barely think. I just wanted one somewhat coherent thought to cross my mind.

“You still think this isn’t torture?” someone asked.

“I don’t know, but this sucks.”

The third time, I went for about ten seconds before I karate chopped the person pouring water. For hours after, my head was pounding and I couldn’t breathe through my nose. I even got into a heated debate about why that seemed like torture.

About six months ago, my old roommates and I debated the severity of waterboarding. I held the stance that I articulated at the beginning of the article. Now, I definitely see why some consider it torture. Do I consider it torture? The jury’s still out, but for now, I hope I never get put on the terrorist watch list.

Don’t believe I did this to myself??