The Wake

I am deeply troubled. Every morning, I wake up, I make my coffee, I loosen my tie, and I am soothed by the cadence of CNN’s broadcast. Between stock trades, I hear them talking: Oil prices are rising, the former Enron guys are on trial, the Dow is up—wait, no, now it’s down. Scratch that, it’s gone back up again.

These are the pivotal news items of our time! However, one less prominent issue has captured my attention: The debate surrounding the Federal Shield Law. I am shocked that this debate has even come to the table. It has me so upset that anyone would oppose such an obvious and necessary law.

As a Carlson School of Management student, and a participating citizen of this country, I feel it is my duty to stay well educated on issues like this. This country wants, nay, needs a Federal Shield Law. Ordinary citizens like you and me require its protection. We are vulnerable, and a change must be made.

Truth be told, I would voluntarily carry around a shield. A big, shiny one; perhaps with a custom, engraved crest! Shield manufacturers around the country have been in a bit of a rut, however. The market for shields has severely declined (see Figure 1) since the 16th century. Sales figures are dwindling and most, if not all, shield manufacturers have closed their doors.

Suffice it to say, I’ve been unable to purchase my shield. And, boy, do I need it. Conceal-and-carry? What is that? I need a bloody shield.

I envision the shield as the next big accessory fad. Personal protection aside, nothing will look better next to your cell phone and PDA than a big-ass, gold-plated shield with rivets and a chain mail sleeve.

Not only is it our right, as American citizens, to carry shields; Federal law should mandate it. This would not only afford you and I the protection we need, but it would also revitalize an historic and vital industry.

The American government, since its early days, has largely ignored the shield industry and it’s high time we put a stop to that. A federal law mandating shields is just what the industry needs to get back on its feet—that and perhaps some subsidies to create synergies with steel producers.

Once this industry has regained its footing, it can give a leg-up to the longsword industry: another excellent source of commerce being completely ignored. Yes, cell phones, PDAs, shields, longswords, and bouts of jousting: just what this country needs.

Finally, I would like to applaud the journalism community in this nation for giving particular attention to this obscure topic. I’ve noticed many journalists taking an impassioned stance on this issue and I think it’s marvelous. Journalists obviously have a sense of their need for personal protection, and great sympathy for an embattled industry.

Certainly, you’ll agree this issue needs to be addressed. Write your Congress representatives! Call MPIRG! Get involved! We need a Federal Shield Law today!

Mr. Moneybags is a concerned Carlson School of Management Student and is also the president of the International Coalition of Shield Manufacturers (ICSM).