The Truth about the Tour Guides
Walking backwards into the U’s biggest cult
By: Macie Rasmussen
You’re peacefully sitting in Bruininks Hall when you hear, “It was designed to look like a molecule! One Stop Student Services is in the middle of the building because, like the mitochondria, it’s the powerhouse of the cell!”
Murmurs of fake laughter from parents follow this analogy.
It’s one of them: a tour guide - officially called an Admissions Ambassador. You see them all around campus, walking backwards, wearing their little quarter zip sweatshirts, jabbering on about the tunnel system, and lying about how convenient the buses are.
You might have seen them filing into Jones Hall every Tuesday night at 6 p.m. You wonder, “What could they possibly be doing in there?”
You see, the Admissions Ambassadors at the U are actually a cult. And we have the juicy details from an inside source to prove it.
If you were to stand outside the doors of Jones 100, you would hear the tour guide rally cry, an “oofda” uttered from the group’s leaders, followed by a “you betcha” from the followers. This sacred ritual is almost like a call and response prayer.
Peak in the window and you would see the group segmented into smaller “teams” which sit together. Each team has a leader whose responsibility it is to groom their members andfoster loyalty to the organization.
Some say that they even worship Goldy Gopher, keeping a lock of his fur somewhere in Jones. You may see a few of them in the front row of football games, just demonstrating their commitment to Goldy as his disciples.
And the most sensational detail of all? They joined the cult because they wanted to share their love for the university with prospective students.