CARLSON BOYS CAUGHT FRATERNIZING
CSOM’s darkest secret revealed
By: Maya Ulrich
In breaking news, the staff here at The Wake Magazine has discovered something the boys of the Carlson School of Management have tried to silence for decades -- the real reason they all look alike.
A highly speculated rumor has been floating around campus that Carlson boys are the descendants of a singular primate named Carl. The genetics department at the U of M has now confirmed this as an indisputable fact. Research is inconclusive about whether they are born with a predispositional attraction to cargo pants, polo shirts, and greek letters, or if this characteristic fashion sense is simply a ploy to get a brand deal with Vineyard Vines.
Beyond Carl’s sons proclivity for prep school chic, we can confirm that they have maintained their similar looks by a form of social isolation. Because they tend to gravitate towards each other, they have a keen sense for who within their group is purebred. Concrete evidence of this phenomenon can be seen by visiting their natural habitat: Frat Row.
In these primitive spaces, we can see the authentic lifestyle of the original Carl, where Busch Light boxes are precious collectibles used for measuring status. The more boxes you have on your wall, the more genetically superior you are. Religious motifs and phrases such as “Saturdays are for the boys” and “let there be Juuls” were Carl’s first two commandments. He uttered them in between mouthfuls of Cane’s and Panda Express to each of his sons, and now these phrases are graffitied upon the walls of each Carlson boys’ bedroom.
The compilation of this evidence combined with expert consultation has birthed a revelation that has forever altered the way that we view the Chad specimen.