Top 10 Confessions of Frat Row

Inside the secret lives of UMN’s most elusive brothers

By: Marley Richmond


Living on Frat Row is not just a joy and a privilege, but it’s an exciting opportunity to bear witness to the University of Minnesota’s finest: the Patagonia–wearing, beer–shot gunning, not–at–all sketchy crowd of fraternity members. Just one walk up the historic University Avenue captures this epitome of the human race, and here I have compiled the most enlightening wisdom I have heard along Frat Row.


1.     “I’m trying to get drunk but also save the environment, you know?”

-       Phi Kappa Gamma member concerned about the dumpster full of trash left on his lawn but not concerned enough to use a glass instead of five different plastic cups


2.     “We’re not together anymore. She said she only rode Lime, and I just couldn’t do it.”

-       Kappa Sigma Delta’s modern Romeo waiting for his Bird-riding Juliet


3.     “Yeah, it’s been a shitty week. No one even jumped in our bouncy castle at the party.”

-       Disappointed Fundraising Chair who probably should have thought about the 15º weather before he spent $300 on rental fees

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4.     “I can’t believe Chad said I needed to change before we left as if I didn’t tell him where to get that vest.”

-       Brad, spotted wearing his groundbreaking pastel pink Ivory Ella shirt instead of the same Patagonia vest Chad was wearing


5.     “My mom saw my Juul in my room; now she won’t pay my dues or buy me beer anymore. I’m pissed.”

-       Epsilon Delta Theta member who will tragically have to dip into his $50,000 investment portfolio to continue buying overpriced weed every weekend


6.     “Dude, don’t tell anyone, but I’m actually in CLA not Carlson. Yeah, I know I have a Carlson sweatshirt—it’s not like I can tell people I’m going to be poor forever.

-       Understandably anonymous brother majoring in “business”


7.     “Bro, you know that doesn’t actually mean we can’t do Jager bombs anymore, right?”

-       Beta Sigma Gamma brother apparently uninterested in the University’s new hard liquor ban


8.     “Yeah, I missed the test on Monday. I had to go to the hospital because I got frostbite from playing beer pong outside all morning before the game. Totally worth it, I know.”

-       A Phi Kappa Fish member more interested in his pong reputation than his accounting grade. (And really, who can blame him?)


9.     “His bathroom door is actually a shower curtain, but I didn’t want to get a UTI so…”

-       A girl who had to do what she had to do


10.  “No, I’m pretty sure our bass is louder, don’t worry about it.”

-       A member of Sigma Pi who also apparently does not worry about the Sanford kids trying to sleep at 1 a.m. on a Monday, who cannot hear SICKO MODE one more damn time


There you have it, folks—the secrets hidden behind those Greek letters, containing some of the biggest questions of the human race, and the most scandalous moral conflicts of our University. Keep your ears open the next time you walk down Frat Row, and you might hear such confidences, leading to your personal enlightenment and, just maybe, the key to unlock world peace. Or something like that.

Wake Mag