Do You Believe in Love?
Exploring romantic love for all that it is and all that it isn’t
By: Jemma Keleher
Romantic love: is it real? For some, it’s not even a question. They feel romantic love on a daily basis and choose to love others without inhibitions. They date to find “the one,” and when they find them, they throw themselves in wholeheartedly. The reality of romantic love is so tangible to them that the answer to “Do you believe in love?” doesn’t require a second of thought.
But for others, romantic love is so sickeningly absent that calling the local radio station for advice seems like the only feasible option. Maybe they haven’t ever seen love work out, or maybe they haven’t felt deeply enough about anyone to label it as love. Either way, love can seem like a far-off fantasy land with no transportation available. But that begs the question: if love isn’t real, what is the reality that people who say they’re in love are experiencing?
Your Brain on Love
The science behind love seems to put everyone in a tizzy, and a Google search will show you that a myriad of theories exist as to why people feel love and why it feels so good. Scientific studies search for a way to prove that being swept off your feet is simply a cocktail of chemical reactions. And according to Harvard University, a lot of what happens when you’re in love can be explained by chemistry.
They state that love can be divided into lust, attraction, and attachment. Each of these categories comes with the release of chemicals in the brain: lust can be chalked up to testosterone and estrogen, attraction is attributed to dopamine and norepinephrine, and attachment is a product of oxytocin and vasopressin.
To me, the attraction and attachment elements of the equation explain what differentiates love from any other social interaction. Interestingly, the reactions that occur in your brain when you receive an award are similar to those that occur during attraction or attachment. With that, it could be said that “falling in love” is similar to achieving an accomplishment or being validated through an award.
In addition, the increased amount of dopamine released during attraction causes decreased appetite and insomnia. Dopamine has been linked to addiction, and the same parts of your brain are involved in attraction. It could be said that your brain is craving them like it would a drug.
But in reality, science may not be able to explain everything about love. Why are we attracted to people and unable to explain it? Why doesn’t every instance of lust and attraction turn into a vivid love affair? Chemistry can explain why you feel the way you do when you’re in love, but it may not be able to explain why it happens when it does. In addition, if love is really just chemical reactions in your brain, why is everyone expected to chase it?
Love and Capitalism, Best of Friends
There is a presumed forecast for peoples’ lives in our culture, and that includes monogamous love, marriage, and babies. If you’re unpartnered by the time you’re 30, your aunt is probably plotting a coup that will end in you finding the love of your life, or at least someone tolerable, and finally settling down like you should. But why is so much emphasis placed on two-person love and marriage?
The trajectory of monogamous love to marriage plays into capitalism, and some even see love as a tool to advance the system. Marriage signifies commitment and companionship, but there is also an element of possession: this person is yours and only yours. In a capitalistic system, your assets determine your worth, and marriage provides you with another asset.
Another factor that can make marriage become essential is the issue of income versus cost of living. As rent continues to rise and the minimum wage continues to flatline, having dual incomes can be necessary in order to survive. If you’re a person who wants to have kids, this necessity is tenfold. Thus, economic standing becomes a reason to fall in love and get married, even if only for survival.
We live under capitalism, and there is no denying that its reaches extend far beyond careers and bank accounts. In this system, two-person love has become essential and is supposedly the only path to happiness and stability. But is the necessity of love the only reason people go crazy for it?
The Optimist’s Perspective
Even within the chokehold of capitalism and the scientific evaluation of attachment, people do seem to believe that love is real. In a poll conducted by The Wake, 104 respondents were asked, “Do you believe in romantic love?” A striking 86% checked yes.
Many respondents explained that they are in love and know it’s real because they can feel it. Others stated that while they haven’t felt it themselves, they’ve seen people in love and believe they will feel it someday. But a common theme seems to be that love isn’t easy to describe and is only known when it’s felt.
It’s clear that love is complicated. “I think [love is] one facet of a very complex emotion we experience,” said one respondent. “There’s a lot more to love than just romance, but I think that specific kind of love definitely exists and [romance] is the best way to describe that mode of loving.”
Another respondent seems to see love as a choice rather than a random occurrence. “It’s human nature to crave it, so we make it happen,” they said.
Love could also simply be something to look forward to, or something that people can hold onto hope about. “Life seems like a better place if I tell myself romantic love is real,” said a third respondent.
So sure, love might be a series of chemical reactions in the brain or a subconscious survival mechanism under capitalism. It also might be your brain thinking that a person is an award to be won or an accomplishment to be achieved. But when people believe in it regardless and feel love on a daily basis, is it really something that needs to be evaluated and picked to pieces?
Some might see love as a more complex emotion than contentment or happiness, but the concrete way some people feel love does something to prove that it exists. Ultimately, it is up to the individual to discern whether they’re feeling love or not. So, that begs the question: do you believe in romantic love?