Administration Under Investigation After Kaler Throws A Rager In His Office

Kaler says, “I’m already on my way out, so I figured—what the hell, why not?”

By: Becca Most

Police were called to Morrill Hall last week after a disturbance in the office of University president, Eric Kaler. Kaler allegedly hosted a rager in his workspace with over a thousand students and faculty in attendance. Multiple teachers in the area filed noise complaints but Kaler claims they did so because “they’re just jealous they weren’t invited.”

Reports indicate there was a full bar and a playlist of rap music curated by Kaler himself, which emanated from the room and could be heard within a mile radius. “I didn’t know he was such a big fan of Lil Pump,” one student admitted. “I guess I misjudged him.” Kaler reportedly made a speech after chugging seven beers (“one for every year at this damn school”) where he admitted he was ready to leave the U and felt that the party was “a fitting end” to his reign. He then attempted to crowd surf off his mahogany desk.

“Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise—Kaler goes hard,” one partygoer said. “I mean, they don’t call him ‘Kegger Kaler’ for nothing.” Kaler reportedly drank a whole keg over the duration of the party, which went from 5-7 p.m. so he could still “go to bed at a reasonable time,” said a student. At one point, Goldy made an appearance and the two played beer pong. “It was surreal,” said a faculty member. “I’ve never seen Eric let his hair down before. That professional exterior is just a shell. We saw his true self that night.”

The administration confirmed the rager cost over $300,000 and was funded by student tuition fees. Kaler has since been detained and the University Police Department is investigating the incident.