Dinkytown Plagued by Squirrels

Squirrel attacks are on the rise

By Sylvia Rani

It’s November in Dinkytown and the squirrels are running rampant once again. Furiously attempting to gather provisions to last through winter, the squirrels have become hostile towards the residents of Dinkytown, stealing food and supplies with reckless abandon.

[Insert believable name], who lives in Sanford Hall, recounts her experience with one of the bushy-tailed beasts: “It all happened so fast. I was walking to the bus stop with a scone in my hand when all of a sudden I feel a tug on my pant leg. I look down, and before I can even react there’s a squirrel halfway up my leg and climbing. The little bugger stole my scone right out of my hand before it skittered up a tree and disappeared!” [Believable name]’s encounter with the tree rodent is unfortunate, but not unusual. Reports of hostile squirrels have increased by 37% this fall alone, and experts predict these numbers will rise as winter approaches.

“What we’re seeing here is that the squirrels of Dinkytown are learning that in order to survive the tough Minnesota winter, they must be aggressive about stockpiling their cold-weather necessities,” says [insert another name that sounds important], a researcher in the Veterinary school. “They’ll do anything they can for any morsel or scrap they can get their hands on, including attacking University students, unfortunately.” [important name] suggests that students fearful of squirrel attacks can take precautions to protect themselves, such as carrying pepper spray and keeping food items securely stowed away.