If I Could Speak to My 13-Year-Old Self, I Would Tell Her to Cry More
Crying is good.
By Bianca Llerena
The commencement of high school and the terrible excitement of finally turning 14 took a heavy toll on my emotions. Ripe into September at the beginning of my freshman year, I wondered, ‘Who would I be in this newfound era of my life?’ As someone who, at times, obsesses over the idea of starting over and creating a better version of myself, I didn’t realize how my new attitude would change how I express myself, even when in private.
Knowing what I know now, I deeply value a good cry, a time to cleanse and divulge in the guilty pleasure of being selfish. This form of self-expression forces realization and growth and honestly just feels good. But back then, I found crying to be a waste of time and a symbol of weakness. I couldn’t believe the number of friends I had who regularly cried in the school bathrooms or had playlists of purposefully sad, crying-grade music. It just didn’t make sense to me.
The persona that I felt I needed to emulate as a freshman was that of the happy and carefree girl who never really worried about much. I still believe this is a good attitude to have from time to time, yet I followed it so closely that I began to neglect the parts of me that were stressed, anxious, and nervous. Instead of crying to recollect myself, I would do anything but; I would clean my room, watch TV, read a book, or blast my music. And so for those four eventful years, I cried only a handful of times when I definitely should have been crying more.
Now, as a college freshman who has undergone more change than at any other time in my life, analyzing my emotions tells me that I deserve to cry whenever the time feels right. But because of my high school experience, it takes a lot for me to let myself let go, and devote a moment of my day to my emotions. Crying now, in my eyes, is a privilege, as I can do it in the comforts of my own dorm with people who I care about. Taking my time now to nurture the side of me that feels stress and pain instead of hiding it away has allowed me to inflect so much more, and understand how I work as a person. These college years that I have ahead of me will not be easy, but as long as I know how to handle the feelings that come with them, I believe I will be just fine. Worst case scenario, I’ve got to let go and let the tears flow.