On Being/Feeling Ugly

Look at little goblin junior...you gonna cry?

BY GABRIEL MATIAS CASTILHO

You know in those really bad days when your mind goes into blaming mode? When you get rejected by someone you like and you don’t know why, or turned down at a job interview and are not given a reason? That exact moment when you vent to your friend you feel this all happened just because you are ugly and undesirable ... and then they tell you, “but you are beautiful,” but deep down, you don’t feel that way?

No, friend, telling me I am beautiful or look great does not make me feel better. I am self-conscious enough to know this is a lie and that I do not hit the societal standards that make me desirable. I, in all actuality, live in the same society as you: the society that puts attractive people on a pedestal, but mocks and bullies you if you point out that this glorification exists.

“Oh, look at little goblin junior...you gonna cry?”

I can cry, but why? Let’s put repressed thoughts into words: people care about your looks. In fact, more than that: people judge you based on how you look. What is the use of fooling ourselves into saying appearances are irrelevant in the social context when, in practice, society was built that way?

For example, people are systematically disenfranchised based on their appearance. Don’t trust me? Trust Robert Cialdini and Brad Sagarin, two social influence scholars who noticed we underestimate the size and reach of the good- looking advantage. Trust other scholars such as Shelly Chaiken, Hendrick Clyde, Peter Benson, Stuart Karabenick and Richard Lerner, who saw socially-agreed attractive individuals were more persuasive both in terms of changing attitudes and in terms of getting what they requested. Simply being good-looking is an innate persuasive trait.

Looking for concrete examples? In the competitive broadcast world, if you don’t have a TV face, you will hardly be hired for an anchor position. What if you want to establish a social media influencer career and you do not look desirable (as per societal standards)? Trust me: there will be additional obstacles you will have to face. For example, you might not even want to show your face. With internet traffic being run by sexual desire-seeking algorithms, it becomes much harder for people to grow, and people really underestimate the power of looks in this situation.

Recently, Massachusetts-based multi-genre band “Spinal Severance Package” wrote on Threads that “nothing is more irritating than a young, attractive musician, who creates the exact same type of cookie cutter bs music that dominates the mainstream right now, trying to tell other musicians how easy it is to get attention and streams and listeners.” The bottom line is: if you do not conform to the rules created by society, it will be harder for you to succeed, and this has been a very old tale.

But when we point out this inequality, it is understood as an emotional failure on our part. It is perceived as a “lack of self-love” that is projected and targets others. It is captured as an offense and is reductive, as if the person’s success was mostly due to their looks. You know... what if it was? Person getting offended, will you ever acknowledge that?

Of course they will not. It is one of their sources of power. It is the leverage they will always hold against you. Once you have a fight and the group splits up, they can use this leverage to pull the majority of people away from you. Prettier people are more persuasive, and unless you are the manipulative master, you will be in a disadvantageous position—which is paradoxical, because nobody likes a manipulative person. It is actually a trap.

But go on, keep telling everybody else looks do not matter.

They do not matter for you, who has never had a problem with that.

Look around. Understand your privilege. Learn empathy.